OK a little dramatic on the title but I just have some things going on with me. It is hard for me to even notice when I am dealing with issues. It just eats away at me for a period of time till I step back, think things over and change what is bothering me. This is going to be a very long post and more about me then you probably want to even know. If you want to skip it, no offense taken. Caution there will be profanity and more grammatical errors then ever since it took me a bottle of wine to sit down and think what's got me in a funk.
Eating
I have gained a whopping 10lbs over the month of July and yep check your calenders the damn month is not even over. I am coming to terms with it and adjusting the pounds dropped widget in the left margin. I worked so hard to lose those 10 pounds all the month of June, even hitting my lowest weight in 6 years. It started with the Florida trip over indulging in everything. When I am I going to learn that I can't do that to myself. How many fucking times in my life do I have to go all the way up and down the scales to learn? I came home on the 13th to continue in this downward eating spiral. I am talking dessert after every glutton fat filled dinner that kind of shit which is just not necessary for anyone. That is just excessive and I am obviously trying to fill some void I am feeling in my life at this time.
Family
Is great! Shane is home every night in contrast a year ago when he would spend 6 weeks in Africa and 2 weeks home for the first 5 years of our marriage. Who knows how the hell I even got pregnant. Lil Buster could not be happier having his Dada home. I, after 5 months adjusting to having him come home every night, actually having to tell someone what I'm doing, where I'm going, leaving Lil Buster with Grandma and having too many G.N.O.'s. I am now not just living my life as I pleased but as a partnership. I have found a very happy place in my marriage and family life. I feel as we are all one happy unit. I still have a life don't think I'm one of these Suzie Homemaker's whose hobbies are that of whatever my family wants them to be (barf). I just try to make time for it all, Lil Buster's football practice, date night with Shane, girls night out martini's. In turn they understand me working on a Wed evening, Sunday & Monday mornings while they have breakfast, track on Tuesday, bike ride on Thursday and Saturday, my runs, and swims. We just make it work happily most of the time. We are at a wonderful juncture in our marriage and family life.
Friends
My friendships have suffered a little bit. I used to be right on, knowing every thing going on with my friends. Making sure I checked on them on a regular basis even if just sending some text love. I have just become busier but my close friends are very supportive and totally understanding of these changes in my life. Some people I used to consider friends have faded from my life. Maybe they don't understand the changes I have made in my life. How I find choosing a nice scenic long run over pizza and a reality show. I still love me 2 or 3 shows which I DVR and watch when life allows. Maybe it is that our common love and comfort we found in food no longer takes priority in my life. Except in times like these. There is also the friends in your life who come and go based on their needs of you. That is also starting to become unacceptable in my life. Then there is the new acquaintances I have met through the new things in my life such as, running, blogging, triathlons, and Weight Watchers. The majority have been a great source of support from advice, to laughing, to training partners or just acquaintances blossoming into friends. There has also been some people who are just competitive assholes. You tell them your excited cause your breaking through on your running and they say, oh yea I keep getting faster; or you are bummed cause your swimming sucks and they say, I just swam a mile today no problem. Everything you tell them turns into they have done it and do it better. Just super assholish. Shit, if I open up to you don't turn the fucking thing about how damn awesome you are. If I had an acquaintance who suffers with something I tell them let's work on it together if I can help. If not I support you as best I can and we accomplish our weaknesses together. When one of my buds is breaking through with their running and I am virtually seeing them go from 12 min miles to 10 min miles. I am thinking, come here ya let me give you a hug and buy you a beer biatch! I figure we're all in this together for the most part. I'm not trying to beat your ass to get a purse. Let's face it I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut out on the race course.
Training
I feel I have been failing myself on the training from this past month. I don't know if at all stems from the food and it just become a vicious cycle. I am training with a great group of people on a training team. Most if not every single one of them is way more advanced than I am. Sometimes, I feel it gives me something to strive for work harder to eventually be like this person. Then there is the tough ass in me who says, Viv work harder to beat yourself you know better. It is not about working hard to be like Buffy And Jodie but to be the best fucking Viv you can be. It will not happen for me if I set myself up for failure by just slacking on important workouts. I missed 10 days of training while in Florida that included several break through sessions that impact my performance. I can't get those back, yet I continue to dwell on all the missed training. Those races I set out to do are very important to me. It is about me setting out goals and working extremely hard to achieve them. To better myself every single time. I really didn't do that well at Jeff & Brede's triathlon on July 13. Yea, my swimming and cycling were better then they have been, but my running was back to basics. I averaged in the mid 12's when I know I can do better. Yea my legs were tight, I had just gotten off a plane the night before, and probably pushing so hard is what got me this injury I am dealing with now. Excuses to me have no room in my life. They truly are like assholes we all have one and you know what they all stink. That is the irony in my blogs title. Excuse #1 I'm not Fit To Run....It is me making a mockery of every person that has an excuse for not doing something their heart desires. I have a big (pun intended) excuse. I am built like an 18 wheeler not a compact Smart car, but I keep pushing every run yearning to be the runner I always dreamt I could be. Now, I have to turn that focus into all 3 disciplines. If I want to be a better swimmer, than SWIM and focus on swimming correctly. If I want to be a faster cyclist, then CYCLE. Learn it, read it, study it, find out what can make me a more efficient cyclist. Running, I am happy where I am at right now, well pre injury. I have started running with purpose. I have different workouts that Coach puts together to mold me in to a better runner. I used to just run all out every run. A while back it worked I was just learning to run, now I need direction to improve. I have a sprint triathlon on Aug 31 right over 6 weeks, which is how long I will be off from actual land running. I am determined to make it a strong comeback and keep up with my training to get me to my first Olympic Tri in September.
Goals
Starting tomorrow, stay in my daily caloric requirement. No weekend passes nothing. I need to regroup and focus to get me to my goal weight.
Stop the vicious cycle. Eat to live not live to eat. Eating better will make me feel better, in turn making me want to train better in conclusion helping my overall state of being.
Kick people that bring me down out of my life. I do not need the drama, I am not on The fucking Hills.
Train Train Train....deep water running on running days. No skimping on the swims. Hit all scheduled rides and stop being such a pussy with the hills(after injury recovery). Put the bike on the trainer do some of the optional trainer workouts in. Start becoming the triathlete I need to be to get me to my goal dream IM70.3 race hopefully in New Orleans.
40 comments:
Hey Chica,
Don't be so hard on yourself. We all have bad weeks or bad months. The point is that you are facing it and you are wanting to set things back in motion. It is hard to balance all the training along with all the other things such as family, friends, job, keeping the house, and keeping your sanity. Do it in small chunks and what does not get done, don't agonize over it. Be the best that you can be on that day or at that moment. Find the joy in what you are doing and what you have accomplished. Be an inspiration to others in all that you do.
Most importantly, keep smiling!
Hugs!!!
Liz
Wow. Liz is wise. Hang in there Viv.
Weight and eating are such hard things, I know eat to live but at times it's just easier and feels better to get that apple fritter.
You're in my thoughts.
Viv, I could have written a majority of that post! I am doing the do-over with the eating thing beginning tomorrow too. Just know that we all go through this. I think Coach Liz gave you some awesome words of wisdom there....I know you can get yourself back on track again. Hang in there chica!!!
Christy
Oops, I also meant to thank you for the info on the Main St Theatre. Next week is my last week off, so that would be a great treat for the kiddo. BTW, let me know if you and Lil Buster have time to hang out at the park again next week.
I echo what coach liz says, the point is you are facing it now... for me to face it at 5-10 lbs is a huge step instead of weighting - ha get it! weighting... gosh I am funny - for it to become 20- or 40 lbs!!
Em
Checking back in on you.
I relate to this post on SO many levels....
MizFit
I think we all experience times like these when we are training. There is so much that goes on outside of running, biking, swimming, it really is a balancing act. Sometimes the best thing to do is take a step back and evaluate the situation, which you have done. Looks like you have everything back in check.
Keep looking ahead. Focus on the future. The first few weeks of July are in the past, leave them there. You are doing great.
Ooohhhh Mommacita (((HUGS))) Don't be too hard on yourself, especially in terms of number 1. The most important thing is that you're aware of what is going on and you're taking steps to get back on track :-)
And girl I hear you on the friendships. I think it's just the way life is. People come and go but the true friends will stick with you no matter what path your life takes. And screw the a-holes! ;-)
Like others, I could have written this post myself. I struggle a lot mentally in all those categories and now I'm struggling physically with the running and it's pain that's preventing it, not mental toughness this time. The weight thing I have been struggling with for years. I, like you, see a loss - all to gain it back with like 1 meal.
Viv, I'm really impressed with you, your training, your life. I'm so glad you are sharing things with us. We can be there for you, and show you that you are not alone in feeling the things you do.
I love how you ended this - with goals! That shows us that you are going to come out of this little rut. You will meet your goals with spades!
Wow, that was a mouthful! Remember, one day at a time.
I agree whole heartedly with Liz. Sometimes, the tide turns against you. You can keep fighting the tide, not even aware that you are doing it, or you can make adjustments and use the tide to your advantage.
Keep working hard to be the best Viv you can be, but don't get caught up in the peaks and valleys. Keep pushing the average higher!!!
We all go through funks Viv! Take a look at what you've accomplished...you are amazing.
And get rid of the frenemies in your life!
Viv- I hear you. I've been there before and will be again. Just think of how far you've come since that first PIM session. Be proud of all you've accomplised thus far and know that you've got more coming!
Coach Liz said it all really.
Call me and we'll go swim or bike or whatever you want to do :)
Viv.
I am feeling the same way right now. I need to get my act together & clean out all the corners of my life.
Good luck with that.
"It started with the Florida trip..."
Isn't that always the case. I regained 15 of the 40 lbs I lost when we took a trip to visit my in-laws. ARGH!
I will echo what others have already said. hang in there, chica. Life happens, and sometimes we just need to adjust to it because there's really nothing we can do about it.
You have the right attitude about getting back on track, and I believe in you and know you CAN DO IT!
Hugs!
Viv don't beat yourself up over the past.
One of my yogi friends once told me, the only workout you should ever regret is the one that you "unconscientiously" did not do. His point was, be aware of your action and listen to your body and what it needs. Sometimes family and friends will be more important than hitting the pavement. Sometimes you want to enjoy life and the apple pie knowing it will slow progress. And that is OK, but make it conscientious.
I'm trying to make conscientious decisions these days about food and working out..its hard, so I can relate to how you feel.
Like Coach Liz said, keep smiling.
Oohhhhhhhhh you are so getting a call from the Javamom. You hear me? We are going to talk about ALL of this!!! You know we are like soul sisters separated only by miles and that I understand ALL of that!! Oh, I guess I need your phone number. ;>) No, don't be scared I won't crank call...often. (((HUGS))) Really if you want to talk email me your number. I heart you and we share so much in common.
Sorry you are feeling like this. It happens to all of us. Life gets hectic, you fall into bad patterns. The way I see it you have been rockin in life. Yes you have missed a few workouts, on a much needed vacation but you also made great changes. You added in the whole spin thing which is something you should be so proud of yourself for. Also the track workouts. I know you are ready to phase out stuff you aren't happy about but don't forget all the good stuff you have done lately.
You rock chica, seriously you do.
First of all, the thing that stuck out for me was the happy balance with the family. This should be your basis and this is a great thing to have!!
Food - I think it is so difficult to have a healthy relationship with food when trying to lose weight. It takes so much out of you. You know what you need to do, but it is not easy. Good luck, and maybe try not to dwell on it and just enjoy things in moderation as best as you can. I've found when I'm limiting what I can eat, then I'm going to go binge and eat a full dessert. But if I'm just trying to be healthy I just need a small scoop or a piece of something.
Training - you realize you can't get the days back - don't dwell on them, start today and don't look back!
Friends - I think such is life with losing friends when their needs are no longer with you, etc. I have been pondering one of my best friends lately and why we are still friends. Surround yourself with people that make you happy and keep you on track!
You are very hard on yourself, for such a determined person - think of all of the positive things that you are doing to make things better for yourself. Many people don't do that!
It is good to reflect - stay positive!!
I have had instances where I have had to give people their pink slips and fire them from being my friend/acquaintance. It isn't easy to do but when they're dragging you down or enabling a bad habit (for me it was over consumption of adult beverages 5 nights a week) then it needs to be done.
And I know what you mean about people who will one-up you. I don't need them around either.
Hope you get to feeling better. Calvin sends you a big, wet, sloppy beso and I'm sending you big hug!
Oh viv! hang in there. We have all been there (I am here with you). You are doing great and this is just a little bump in the road.
I've backspaced over all the redundant stuff about being hard on yourself (cuz you're a bad ass and bad asses have the right to be tough on themselves if they wanna cuz mostly i know you could kick my ass if you wanted to and i'm more of a non-confrontational asshole ;-)) and all the empathetic stuff although I can relate to all the woes expressed here... So as a replacement for all the stuff I want to say... I'll say this...
We believe in you girl. All of us. It doesn't matta if you're 12 minute mile-ing or 10 minute mile-ing... you can still beat the pants off of most of us in the poolski ;-).
Umm...If I was there, I'd want to hug you and buy you a beer biatch!!
Even if it is the wine, I appreciate your honesty. It proves that you care passionately about the person that you are and want to become.
We're so proud of every accomplishment you've made!!
Sometimes we just have to scream LOUD; enough is enough!!!
Sounds like that's what you've done, and now it's time to move on. Sometimes it takes time to do it, so take it easy and try and see how far you've come, not how far you have left to go (I can say that, but not necessarily do it, so we'll try together huh).
Oh Viv, really, truly, you are doing so well, you are a wonderful inspriation to all of us!
Sometimes when you hit a valley in life, you come out the other side stronger! Find the balance in life, we are always looking for more, better, faster, bigger. You have a wonderful little guy, a great husband and the health to carry on!
hang in there!!
Oh man Viv so much of what you just said is exactly what's going on with me too. Some of my friends have been making me nuts, my injury is hampering training and these past two weeks my food consumption has been shitttty making me feel shitttty.
I just need to get thru my friend's wedding this weekend and then it's time to come up with a new food plan for me too.
Viv said: Eating better will make me feel better, in turn making me want to train better
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It will!! I can binge eat and ummm binge DRINK also...
SOOOO what I have to do is NOT bring it in the house...even to the last box of brownies about a month ago that I made at 11pm cause my sorry ass really wanted it...NOW if it wasn't in the house I would have just had some water and went to bed. Which is what I been doing lately, ALSO when I train more I also start to eat better so the cycle goes hand in hand...
Good post Viv to get the chitt on paper and out of your head...YOU WILL get BACK on Track...
Keep Focused!! and use the blog to keep accountable!
(((Hugs)))
Viv, we need to stick together. You're doing great and I'll definately drink to that!
Good luck with the rest of July! Hang in there!!!
I just want to give you a big ole hug right now!
I echo what Coach Liz and every other wonderful person here has already said. I hear you, my friend. I'm going through something similar--completely slacking on WW for the last three weeks as well as cross training. I've had a gain too. But both of us are going to bounce right back. Reading your post made me break out my WW tracker and write down every last piece of junk I shoved into my pie-hole today. Thank you for that!
Once you heal up, there'll be no stopping you. Guaranteed!
I believe July has been a funky month for most of us. I agree with everyone before...stick with it, don't be hard on yourself, rest and recover that leg, but do what you are able and you will be better than ever when recovered. Just remember you are inspiring to me. There are always people looking at you wishing that they could do what you do, even while you look at others the same way. Take heart and heal up!
Awww Viv, I'm so sorry to hear about your injury, and all the other drama. But you've still got your sense of humor (LOL at the Bedazzling comment).
Hopefully by writing it all out it was somewhat therapeutic for you. I know it always helps me just to vent.
Try not to dwell too much on the bad stuff. If it comes to mind, try to do something positive to change it or make it better, and if you can't, just let the thought go. Make the effort to only think about the good things- you mentioned several- like your family, your spinning classes, your great training group, your blogger friends/family...
Seriously, if you have to, write down at least 3 things every day that you are grateful for (don't repeat), no matter how simple it seems, but by changing your focus, things won't seem so bad.
But feel free to vent anytime, because we're here for you, and we think you're awesome and marvel in your accomplishments. It's just a rough patch, and it too, shall pass. = )
P.S. You have great legs- I'm so jealous!!!
Completely agree with coachliz. You've done great and so, you had a set back, but you're getting back to business. Something that I learned while running races is that you can't get negative and think about the training runs that you've missed. Think positive and think of what you've accomplished. It's July, it's hot and we're all running slower. You were also probably dehydrated from running a race the day after being on a plane. At least you did it! Hang in there!! I propose meeting up for a walk around Memorial if you're able or whenever you get the medical ok as opposed to the cheap wine. ;-)
Don't fret about the weight too much. The rest of your life is in good shape, and with your determination, the fitness will follow.
Oh yeah, well if you're down, you should see me. Ha ha, just kidding. At least you can get to the analysis and find some solutions. You have no idea how awesome that is even with a bottle of wine!! :D You are so awesome for doing that and making some goals for yourself. I'm so happy that you and your family are in a good spot, that speaks volumes about you! I wouldn't worry too much about that run after a plane ride, you were off for several days and maybe dehydrated from the plane. My feet always swell to and that kind of caused me an injury. It takes a good several days to be back to normal. I know you still have it, Hon. Keep after it!! YOU ROCK!!!
Sorry you have had a bit of a stumble (along with a pesky injury). I hope getting it all out there helped. Now you can regroup and refocus--and you WILL be where you need to be.
"Assholish"! I'm gonna use that.
Well, I'm super late to this post, but it sounds like you came around to feeling better, so I guess I don't have to try and think of something witty to make you laugh; because really, I'm tapped for wit right now.
Girl - you're awesome.
Do whats you's gots to do to stay sane.
You're so motivating to all of us. I think we all struggle with our different life "catagories" and playing the balancing game.
"Not the Hills" - love it!
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