"I Want My Old Wife Back, I Miss Her"

I really thought I would stay away from my blog till after New Orleans, which by the way is now 4 days away. I had to vent my thoughts though. In addition it will be beneficial to me to have my vast amount of feelings documented. Remember this ol' post hurdles? I had one more hurdle this past weekend. I got sick, and spent the weekend in bed. I'm feeling pretty much back to good, just some sniffles and cough left over. I feel like negativity just gravitates to this 1/2 Ironman.

Usually I'm picking on Shane for his negativity. I am optimistic by nature with just the right amount of realism mixed in. Shane is the complete opposite. He got the nickname Schleprock from a friend. I often call him by that nickname when he starts with the negativity. Schleprock is the cartoon character that walks around with the storm cloud over his head. We usually laugh about it. Then there I was feeling like fucking Schleprock for the past 4 months.

Honestly, I guess some part of me never truly full heartily believed in New Orleans 1/2 Ironman happening. There was the constant nursing of injury, never feeling great, each ride chipping away at my confidence, my own realistic self esteem, and just dealing with life in general. I wanted more then ever to believe I would cross that finish line. Yesterday I looked at my BlackBerry calender to see a huge blank scheduled for this weekend. Let me give you a quick lesson in organized, OCD Viv. I put everything in that damn calender. If I could predict my shit time it would be in that calender with a 15 minute reminder alert. Yet, there it was free time clearly obvious to me.

I spent an entire week debating with myself about going forward with the race. I knew I was under trained some due to things out of my control plus others I could have controlled. I would have to be 110% for this race then being sick made me really question it. I would spend most of the last couple of weeks tossing and turning. I would wake up with a headache from stress only to keep it all day long from the looming question, to tri or not to tri?? I have not even been able to enjoy all the excitement that goes with a race this big because of all my doubtful negativity. I had a plan, finish Ironman 70.3 then dedicate more time to family who dearly needs me. Take life more in moderation. Get back to WeWa, get the rest of this weight off, learn a new format to teach in the gym, maintain friendships, let the over use injuries calm down, work on strengthening, flexibility. Not have the pressures I was putting on myself for this longer distance. Work on it all but in moderation.

If I did not move forward without even trying the 70.3 distance this weekend after all the hurdles I jumped it would all be pointless. I know there are other 1/2 Ironman's this is not the only one this year, but I am not planning to attack the distance again this year. I would close the book on this distance without even trying to write the final chapter. I came to conclusion that I would regret more not trying then I would to try but not complete the distance(the distance has an 8hr course limit). My heart, mind, and soul needs to try to move forward with the rest of my plans versus mourning the what if's.

So, it is official I will go out there an give it my best. I am going to have fun this weekend. I have Shane, friends, training partners ,my buddies who will be blowing up the BlackBerry all there to support me. No matter what goes down it will be a great weekend with the biggest hurricanes I can possibly suck out of a straw or two! I am pretty sure after this weekend Shane will get his wife back only tougher.

So many lovely cards e-mail texts, comments....
I still can't believe how many people have reached out to me.
Your thoughts will be with me this weekend.
Thank You!

FOCUS

It is time to really FOCUS.

I have been filling any free time with anything that keeps me from thinking of the reality of what is to come. When I do think of it fear consumes my mind. Every time someones asks about the "big day" I get a nerve stricken look on my face. It is much easier to ignore the quickly coming event then deal with the reality of it. It's is time to play this day in my mind over and over. When I do this course on April 5th it should seem like deja vu, like I have swam, ridden, run this course before.

I want to thank you all for the support you show me. You say I inspire you but seriously you guys inspire me. I printed all the comments from my last post and put it with race maps to read when I lose focus.

I hope to come back here in 12 days and tell you I AM IRONMAN 70.3!

Road Blocks or Hurdles

Wow, this is the longest I have ever been away from my blog. I wonder if anybody still skips through here or abandoned me for dead. I did get quite a few e-mails from people showing concern. Thank you for caring, it means a lot to me that you took the time to reach out.

It has been a rough few months. As some may know I tore my right calf muscle over Thanksgiving. After 6 weeks off of all activity and physical therapy I thought I was in the clear. Only to begin having trouble with the left calf. With the injury, I take one step forward and two steps back. I have a fabulous physical therapist who is also a triathlete and a friend. With her help I have been nursing it twice a week. For every run there is a PT session to follow. I also use the term run very loosely. A run for me is now classified as 5R/1W at a controlled pace. If I go out too fast the calf seizes up and the whole run is scrapped. The runs average between 12:30-14:20 minute paces. That also means things like bricks rarely if at all happen in my training. Since, it would mean running on consecutive days, which sends me many steps back. No speedwork nothing crazy...So, in other words it is a keeping it "healthy enough" till New Orleans 70.3. Needless to say, I will be going in more than a little under trained in the running department.

There were also family concerns that tested me during these past few months. My Lil' Buster got some freaky virus that did not allow him to walk when he woke up one morning. It was a huge scare! It took about a week before he was back to his normal self. I did miss one or two workouts, not much really. It did require me to leave Shane in charge in the evenings so I can go for my workouts. Doing that added a lot of stress on me mentally. I felt like a bad mom leaving Lil' Buster when he needed me for my selfish goals and aspirations. Also, the weekends are my LONG workouts that have me gone most of the mornings and leave me drained physically. My family is used to my upbeat chipper self. My parents are super ol' school they really don't understand my being away from home for all this training. My mom especially, she says, "I am a stay at home mom who really is not at home." Yes, I am one of those people who needs approval from her family, especially my mothers. It added a lot of stress to my mind. It had me questioning is all this for that really worth it.

I am accustomed to keeping a clean home, dinners on the table in the evening, bills paid, sending thank you notes with little hearts over the i's, not forgetting a birthday, thoughtful friend, all things get done when Viv is large and in charge. Yep, your usual Mrs. Cleaver with a little attitude. It is me though and being a neat/control freak and on top of my game keeps me sane. That was all quickly slipping. I forgot everything. When things are due, friends birthdays, introducing people that have shared dinners at my home together, bathtubs so nasty that I loathed taking a shower at home, beds never got made, laundry would stack up to no end. In the mix of all this my suburbia SUV blew up costing thousands to fix. Also, home renovations were going on to. You know how that goes, one word summation CHAOS. We had wood floors put in and a few paint changes with a few other lovely upgrades. Upon completion there was the kind of dust that lingered in a thick haze. I was breaking down at everything. My temperament quickly changed. It was like, Vivian what are we having for dinner? My explosive response would be, "dinner,what the fuck dinner? Mind you the explosive responses it does not take much to put you on the receiving end of something like this. I know a lot of my anger was displaced with the true fear of knowing that I had contonous inner doubt about completing Ironman 70.3.

Then there is all the eating. My stress levels have me eating in an out of control manner. I have put on 10lbs. + the 30lbs I am already trying to take off from this past winter has me with my lip up but unwilling to get down to it and get under control. I have to be mentally ready and right now I am not there. It does piss me off that last summers running shorts don't come over my thighs. This is also making the physical activity a bit more struggling. My body carrying more weight does not help the whole balancing a watermelon on toothpick theory.

Yesterday, was my rock bottom. After taking it too easy on last weeks vacation only doing open water swims. I came home with the desire to do nothing. I was supposed to do my long bike ride on Monday but Lil' Buster came home with a horrible ear infection and perforated ear drum accompanied with several sleepless nights. I had to keep him home to take care of him. So Tuesday it was going to be the morning to hit up a swim, and you guessed nope. By late afternoon I put my pj's on with no intention of anymore workouts hoping Wednesday spin class would get a bit of life in me. Only because I work that class if not there would be no intention of that either. I posted on my facebook how I had no ganas (no desire) in Spanish. Several of my friends encouraged me to get out there. Even my dear coach hit me up with a guilt stricken, "so does this mean we won't see you at track tonight?" She knows what track means to me. It is my favorite group workout. Not that I am doing any speedwork now but seeing the gang, watching everyone work so hard, pushing each other to new levels is always encouraging. It is also the place where healthy I see my fastest paces. It is always promising to see improvement in my running. In fact I can usually be seen smiling when healthy at track. Key word running my first love who has been trying to break up with me as of late.

Tri sis posted a comment on facebook, long winded but this was the zinger for me, "If you have decided to blow off New Orleans then make it public." Was I ready to make it public to all of you but most of all to myself. A friend told me yesterday, "you have come this far and are 3 weeks out why quit now?" I feel I have really not come that far at all. I have struggled with the run training the entire time. The bike has really been no piece of cake either but all prep work nonetheless. So, if I threw in the towel with less then 3 weeks to go. All the sacrifices, hard work, expletives, tears, anger, challenges, blood(ok no blood really but it worked to intensify the drama), ice, physical therapy, time away from family, it would have been for nothing. Nothing but to know that I gave up. That when the road less traveled had road blocks I shut off the engine. I did not look for an alternate route, I just pulled over and threw my arms up. My Lil' Buster asks on sporadic occasions, "Mommy, when are you going to be an Ironman" (I don't have the heart to tell him I will be 1/2 of an Ironman, LOL). How do I tell him next time he asks that Mommy will not be an Ironman. I refuse to pull over and turn off the engine.

I will take those road blocks as hurdles and keep jumping them all the way to the finish line. It will not be easy and that morning I am sure I will still have more fear than ever. The fear has stared already when I think of a 7-8 hour day on April 5th. I mean I know people who can't work a desk job that long without a lunch break or at least a smoke break. No breaks for me though. I will be striving to reach my goal of becoming Ironman 70.3. If my health deteriorates or something I have no control over happens that day or leading up to, I will understand that my goal has been postponed not abolished.

If it is 13.1 miles holding me back from the finish line then I will get there.